


regrets

by IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Introspection, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 22:19:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18787378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield
Summary: Regret (noun):  a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over an occurrence or something that one has done or failed to do.It occurs to Steve that a common thread in his life story is the feeling of regret.





	regrets

> Regret (noun):  a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over an occurrence or something that one has done or failed to do.

 

It occurs to Steve that a common thread in his life story is the feeling of regret.

 

He regrets not standing up to his father to protect his mother. He regrets not telling his mother he loved her the night before she passed away. He regrets not saying  _something_ to Bucky to stop him from shipping out. 

 

He regrets not moving fast enough to stop Eskrine from dying. He regrets he didn’t fight harder to stop from becoming a glorified puppet. He regrets not telling Peggy about his feelings earlier.

 

Then, he’d crashed into the ice, thinking, “This is it. This is how I die.”

 

Steve Rogers had died regretting the fact that he’d never get to dance with the girl he loved.

 

And then, he’d woken up.

 

There had been too much to learn, too much to take in about the modern world, to leave room for regret. Steve had harbored so much resentment, towards himself, towards the universe, towards SHIELD, that existing took all his strength. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

 

But like he’d said, regret - it’s the story of his life.

 

He gets pulled into the Avengers. Steve regrets saying the things he said to Tony Stark, even if he believed in them. He regrets trusting Fury so implicitly. He regrets he couldn’t do something to help Phil Coulson. He regrets sitting down with the team for shawarma even because it’s hands down the most awkward meal of his life.

 

(Later, almost ten years later, Steve regrets that he didn’t apologize to Tony. He regrets he didn’t thank Hulk/Bruce for catching Tony as he fell. He regrets not sitting down with Clint to talk about what he’d been through. He regrets getting on his bike and driving away instead of turning to the others and asking them  _all_ to stay. Who knows what may have been different if they’d stuck around?)

 

He loses his ability to trust after that. Steve wants to say he regrets that but that’s not the whole truth. He wishes...he regrets that he forgot that you could not trust governments but you should always trust in  _people_. He really regrets forgetting that...

 

Because everything that happens after is a roller coaster of regret and a lack of trust. It’s like he tipped the scales towards what was going to happen, making it inevitable, when he let his paranoia get the better of him. Looking back at it, he doesn’t understand why he thought he couldn’t trust Tony to help. 

 

(God, if that isn’t his biggest regret in life: constantly not trusting Tony to have his back...)

 

If he’d just  _trusted_ the people around him,  _his damn team_! Then all of the civil war wouldn’t have happened. Why had he been so quick to let his distrust get the better of him? Why’d he been so stubborn? Sure, governments are corrupt. But Tony and Natasha had been right - how they stuck together was far more important. They should have had a united stance.

 

Instead Steve had broken the team. Broken Tony’s family.

 

(And that’s another regret. Steve never allowed himself to stop and consider the team his family. He’d just...gone through the motions. Thought himself to be a drill sergeant; a distant leader who was there for his people in the most cursory of ways. It makes him look at his shield and feel nothing but shame. Some leader he turned out to be...)

 

Two years on the run gives him time to introspect. 

 

And that apology letter he’d sent Tony. Fuck...if Steve could go back in time and stop himself from sending it to Tony? He would. If he could, Steve would erase that from his own memory. It had felt like the right thing to say at the time but when Steve had found it in the compound, tucked away in the top drawer of his office desk, Steve had winced. His ego...his  _arrogance_...had dripped off the page and he’d realized that he’d given Tony no good reason to trust him. So of course Tony hadn’t called in the 2 years they’d been apart. Of course.

 

Steve keeps the phone on him at all times, hope dwindling a little more every day as no call comes through. He thinks a lot about everything that’s happened and folds into himself. Throwing the shield away had been his final act of selfish arrogance. A slap in Tony’s face; I don’t  _want_ the shield, you can keep it. But the fact of the matter is...Tony was right. Steve doesn’t  _deserve_ it.

 

If he was barely staying afloat in his regrets before, Steve  _drowns_ in them after Thanos.

 

In the immediate aftermath of Decimation, Steve  _cannot move_. He’s overwhelmed with trying to figure out what needs to be done; understanding the scale of devastation caused; struggling to find an answer to what should they do next. 

 

He doesn’t think about the people who were snapped out of existence. He thinks about those whose fate he doesn’t know about - Tony, the kid from Queens, Rocket’s people. Steve lies awake in his too soft bed and hopes, hopes,  _prays_ that they’ve survived.

 

Day 22, after sunset, Carol Danvers flies in with a spaceship on her back; Steve’s prayers are answered. 

 

He’d expected Tony’s anger. Steve had been ready for it.

 

But the  _regret_  for not trusting Tony? For  _losing_ Tony’s trust?  _That_ blindsides him. Steve holds Tony’s broken RT in his hand and mourns for a friendship he chose to break. 

 

Tony’s words haunt him well after Thor kills Thanos. It’s another promise he’d broken. Only this time, he’d  _chosen_ to break it. He made the  _choice_ to not trust Tony. He didn’t think...

 

“Regret will kill you,” Natasha tells him one quiet night. “it’s the slowest poison in the world but it’ll kill you eventually.”

 

“What do you do then?” 

 

Because Steve doesn’t know what to do. How to make amends. If an apology is even  _enough_ at this point. And he has  _tried_ , okay? He’d camped out outside Tony’s room but Tony had ignored him. He’s written a proper apology letter (which got sent back to him; return to sender). He even tried to visit Tony and Pepper had  _firmly_ but politely told him to take a hike.

 

Natasha shrugs, pushing a few pieces of vegetables around her plate with a fork. “Reparations. Apologies. Try to rebuild that bridge even if it’s burnt.”

 

“What if...” Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. “What if there’s nothing there to repair. It’s...burned to nothing. And...the other person isn’t interested.”

 

The  _pity_ in Natasha’s eyes makes Steve feel like he’s five inches tall. “Then you don’t. Some hurts go too deep. Time might help heal those wounds but there’s no guarantee. Best thing you can do is just...respect their space.”

 

Five years.

 

It takes five years.

 

And in those five years, Steve’s list of regrets lengthen. He regrets not listening to Sam and going to therapy sooner (maybe if he had...). He regrets not being better friends with Clint (maybe if he had...). He regrets not staying in touch with Thor (maybe if he had...).

 

He doesn’t regret sending the congratulatory flowers to Tony and Pepper on their wedding and later the birth of their daughter. Pepper even sends him a small thank you card but so. That’s one bright spot...

 

While the amount of regrets he holds increases, Steve also comes to terms with a lot of them. There’s plenty of things in his past that he can’t change. So there’s no use killing himself over what might have been, what could have been. Everything he did  _after_ he came out of the ice. Well. That’s another story.

 

Steve makes clumsy attempts to reconnect with Thor, Clint, Bruce. He gets drunken rambles, silence, and warm delight in return. He wonders how to reconnect with Tony, if that’s still an option anymore, when Scott shows up at the Avengers compound gate.

 

It’s strange, the regret he feels when they drive up to Tony’s place. It’s “I’m sorry we showed up. I’m sorry we’re asking this of you. I’m sorry we’re spoiling your time, your peace, with your family. I’m sorry for being such a source of pain for you.” 

 

There’s also envy...  _so_ much envy, when Tony says, “I got my second chance, right here.” while holding his little girl in his arms. Steve  _aches_ with a longing whose roots go deep into the darkest part of his soul. Yes he’s genuinely happy for Tony but also...

 

_I wish that were me..._

 

It amazes him, the power Tony holds over him, over them all, when he shows up in his fancy car, bringing hope along with him. Grateful and humbled doesn’t even begin to cover how Steve feels when Tony forgives him and gives Steve the shield back.

 

He still feels deeply unworthy of the mantle. But he accepts it because if Tony believes in him...then Steve can do it. He’ll be Captain America again.

 

Their new relationship is better than it was before. Less antagonistic for one. Softer for another. There’s more smiles involved and a lot more gentle riffing. Steve’s not sure if it’s the distance or that he trusts Tony 100% or if fatherhood has gentled Tony to the consistency of melted marshmallows. Regardless of the reason, Steve cherishes these days where the team is working together towards a goal.

 

It feels good to work towards a goal and to have a team to do it with. 

 

It saddens him because...this is how it could have been from the start. If only he’d made more of an effort. If only he’d trusted the team more. If only, if only, if only...

 

“Do you think about what might have been if you’d made different choices?” Steve asks Tony one night when they’re cleaning up the dinner table.

 

As he rapidly stacks up the dirty dishes, Tony shakes his head, “Not really. I’ve tried to live a regret-free life as much as possible. I’m good with most of the choices I’ve made.”

 

“Most of them?” Steve asks, peeking up at Tony.

 

Tony’s smile is wane and weak. “There’s some choices I couldn’t have changed because I wasn’t the one who made them. I just rolled with the consequences.”

 

Gut squirming, Steve looks back down and finishes scrapping the dish clean before he hands the plate over to Tony. He’s too scared to ask if he counts in those choices...

 

There was a time when it was easier for him to push through his fear and do the right thing. But of course, at the time, he felt a lot more self righteous about his actions. Now, he just feels...small. But he’s prided himself on never shying away from doing what’s right. So...

 

“Tony...” Steve begins tentatively as they wash and dry the dishes, standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the sink. “I’m sorry.”

 

He blinks at the sudden spray of water that splashes against his face. Tony fumbles with the nozzle, turning the water off and returning it to its place before he turns to Steve and goes, “You’re doing this  _now_? The night before we do the time heist?”

 

“I’ve...always had shit timing,” Steve can’t stop himself from admitting as he pat dries his face.

 

Tony mumbles, “You got that right.”

 

It’s not a clear stop sign so Steve pushes his luck, and continues. “I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about your parents. You deserved to know. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you to have our back...I let my worries get the better of me. I should have trusted you, trusted your intentions. You’ve always looked out for us. I’m...I’m sorry. For not...you deserved better.”

 

There’s a storm of emotions in Tony’s bright eyes. He looks elated and broken, happy and sad, relieved and disappointed. Ultimately, he exhales and gently pats Steve’s arm. “Apology accepted. Now stop twisting that poor dish cloth, what’d it ever do to you?”

 

Steve wakes up the next day feeling rejuvenated. Forgiveness, coupled with Tony’s trust, makes him feel invincible. They can do this. Tony grins at him as they stand on the raised platform and Steve  _knows_ they’ll win; they’ll fix Thanos’ actions.

 

There’s a moment where things  _almost_ go pear shaped. “Time has a way of fighting back,” Tony whispers to him before hissing, “Get in the closet! Get in! Get in!”

 

The broom closet is too small for a man of Tony’s size much less him  _and_ Steve crammed in together. It’s the closest they’ve ever been, physically speaking and it’s...it’s a lot. Several different facts hit Steve all at once - Tony’s height and how his head comes right under Steve’s chin. The scent of Tony’s cologne. The firmness of his body against Steve’s. How Tony’s hand is pressing against Steve’s side and how  _warm_ it is...

 

Steve swallows but his mouth is so dry a soft clicking sound comes out. Tony looks up at him and freezes. Big brown eyes blink up at him. Tony’s fingers  _drag_ against Steve’s side as he takes his hand back. Steve’s body jerks forward, like he doesn’t want the contact to end...

 

He  _yearns_ for something he doesn’t completely understand. Steve wants to hold his breath, wants to stay in this bubble, stay in this closet...he wants to forget about the mission and just  _stay here_ with Tony. 

 

But they can’t...

 

They have to find disguises. Find the Tesseract. Find the Pym particles.

 

(Steve sneaks a quick peek over his shoulder while they’re changing, stomach twisting thanks to an unnamed emotion as he catches sight of Tony’s thighs being covered by dark slacks and his toned back disappearing under a shirt. Cheeks burning, Steve quickly turns back and finishes dressing up.)

 

They win...but the  _cost_...

 

Steve watches Rhodey take Tony’s calcified body off the burnt, broken ruins of their  _home_  and feels...hollow. He feels like how the compound looks - broken beyond repair, destroyed down to the roots, turned upside down. 

 

Steve’s not sure if it was worth it...this wasn’t what he was willing to pay to get everyone back...

 

This occurs to him over and over again, like a hammer crashing down on molten steel - when the paramedics taken Tony away, when the world mourns Tony, when they hold Tony’s funeral, when Morgan softly asks Pepper if daddy went to heaven, when Peter brokenly asks if he can keep the Iron Spider suit. 

 

The world will mourn Tony Stark, the visionary, the technological genius, the futurist, for generations to come. 

 

Steve Rogers will mourn Tony Stark, the friend who he could have had. 

 

Later, much later,  _years_ later, a stray comment from Peggy will bring about a devastating realization. He’ll mourn a bigger  _what if._

 

What if he’d realized earlier why Tony’s needling stung so much? What if he’d realized sooner why the thought of Tony not trusting him hurt so deeply? What if he’d understood sooner why he sought out Tony’s reassuring gaze so often?

 

 _It could have been love but I’ll never know now_.

 

He’d come back to the past thinking he could correct his mistakes, turn his regrets on their head and make them into testaments to his strength. Instead, he’s left with the worst  _what if_ he’s ever known.


End file.
